


Heard You Say, Not Today (Heard Your Voice, There's No Choice)

by starstruck_xavier



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Human AU, Kisses, Logan has depression, M/M, Not really a songfic, Patton has depression, Roman Mentioned, Suicide Attempt, alessia cara and bts are mentioned for that reason, and it's not that bad dw, but i know 3 songs called not today hfgfhd, but it's described in the past, i got the idea for this today when i was listening to the song, i might write a followup to this with some subtle analogical and prinxiety so mm, implied lamp? maybe?, inspired by the twenty one pilots song 'not today', just they each sing a line from it, they're both depressed but they help each other out, virgil mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25153783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starstruck_xavier/pseuds/starstruck_xavier
Summary: Logan and Patton suffer from the same thing for different reasons. When one of them has a bad day, the other helps them through it.
Relationships: Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	Heard You Say, Not Today (Heard Your Voice, There's No Choice)

**Author's Note:**

> another tw for a suicide attempt described in the past, but it's pretty brief n not that gruesome. stay safe ppl <3
> 
> my tumblr is @starstruck-xavier so go n talk to me there! i love receiving asks and this fic will also be posted there hfghfd
> 
> anyways enjoy my self-indulgent logicality angst woopwoop

Logan can tell, the second he wakes up to the feeling of his boyfriend curled up next to him, the sight of sunbeams streaming through the crack in the curtains and the sound of beautiful song birds, that he’s not going to be able to do much at all today. Despite all these wonderful things to wake up to, he can’t help but feel the figurative weight on his heart pressing down and the feeling of something vaguely bad-feeling filling his entire body. The depression is illogical, he tells himself. He’s physically able to wake up, be productive and take good care of himself, but there’s invisible shackles keeping him in place.

As he listens to his internal monologue miserably, Patton slowly starts to blink awake next to him, giving him a sleepy smile.

"Morning, Lo.” He greets him tiredly and reaches out one arm to rest across Logan’s abdomen. He looks so ethereal, he may as well have a glowing halo over his head, highlighting the faded blue in his hair and the constellations of summer freckles on his nose. Logan focusses on these things, tries to feel anything positive.

"Good morning, darling.” His voice comes out affectionately but weary, like he’s been awake for days, even though he’s only been awake for a couple of minutes. Patton seems to notice this; he shuffles to prop himself up on one elbow and leans over Logan, pressing their lips together. The kiss is gentle, like Patton’s handling something fragile, and Logan attempts once again to feel a spark of affection, but the feeling is subdued, muffled by the static in his head.

After a few seconds, Patton pulls back and sits up fully, still gazing at him through beautifully hazel eyes, his vision obviously obscured by the lack of glasses. "Are you okay?” He asks softly. That soft voice. Logan can never get enough of the way words just breeze past his lips, wistful, excitable but sensible when he needs to be. There’s a moment of silence between the two as Logan registers the question and thinks, wondering if he should say yes or be honest, until at last he shakes his head slowly, almost afraid to admit it. Patton frowns, but then simply wraps his arms around Logan’s waist and snuggles back up to him. "That’s okay. It’s okay.” He whispers.

They remain like that for some time as the post-sleep drowsiness begins to leave them. Eventually the two of them shift so that Patton’s laying on top of Logan, his nose brushing against his cheek, providing some external warmth to counter the drained feeling in Logan’s insides. It’s working just a little. Patton can help him. He’ll feel okay, eventually. He hopes.

"You’re not motivated to do anything today?” The soft words are heard again, closer this time as Patton murmurs against Logan’s skin.

The long answer is that he wants to be motivated, he wants to spend today getting work done and then watching movies and kissing Patton senseless like he does on most days, but he can’t bring himself to feel as excited about it as he wants. However, saying all of that seems like too much of an effort for his brain, so he settles for, "Not today.”

The words seem to elicit a small, strangely excited gasp from Patton as he sits up yet again. "Hey, you’re quoting one of our favourite songs! Y’know how it goes?” He shuffles off of a confused-looking Logan and out of their bed, walking over to the curtains. " _Heard you say, ‘not today’, tore the curtains down, windows open, now make a sound._ ” As he sings the line, he throws the curtains open to allow in the stream of natural sunlight and fresh air from the slightly parted window. He turns to look at Logan with a smile as bright as said sunlight.

Maybe he will manage to get out of his depressed state, just for a while.

Logan sits up to lean his back against the headrest with the subtlest smile on his face at Patton’s antics. "There’s many songs we know called ‘Not Today’, including the one by Alessia Cara and the one by BTS, but the lyrics to that one make sense right now. I appreciate the sentiment.”

Patton giggles airily. "Anything to make you feel better. Hey, what do you always say about the benefits of natural sunlight?”

"That it contains vitamin D which promotes a better sense of wellbeing and strengthens the bones?” Logan blinks, confused, but then connects the dots. A better sense of wellbeing.

"Yeah, that’s right!” Sitting on the bed again, Patton places his hand over Logan’s. “We don’t have to go outside, but let’s try to do something to feel better today, alright? Even if it doesn’t entirely work, it's an effort made that you should be proud of.”

The spark of affection returns, a little stronger this time. "Yes.” Logan locks eyes with Patton. "That would be ideal.”

It only takes a second for Patton to initiate another kiss, sweet and citrusy, smiling against Logan’s lips.

As much as Logan would tell himself when he’s feeling down that the depression is illogical, he’d never apply that logic to someone else, making him somewhat contradictory. Although, he’s acknowledged that his thoughts can become cloudy when he’s in a bout of depression; when he manages to bring himself out of it he can confidently say that his mental health issues are not without reason. It may not be how he grew up, or due to some traumatic incident, it’s just an imbalance of chemicals in his brain. Eventually he’ll be able to get medication for it, Patton always reassures him. Just a few more doctors visits and he’ll have a prescription.

It’s certainly better than it used to be. Occasionally, Logan will look back on his college days and inevitably remember the night he felt he couldn’t do anything right and he wanted to escape all the deadlines, willing away his would-be-last moments looking a mess in the bathtub, water stained slightly pink, before Virgil’s hysterical screaming alerted Patton and Roman. Patton stayed with him that night, tending to his injuries, letting him cry into his shirt. The slashes weren’t actually deep enough to warrant much medical attention - perhaps Logan really was too scared to leave life here - but it looked bad enough to poor Virgil that it took everybody at least a few days to recover from the huge scare. Roman’s singing was just a little softer when he was around him, constantly offering him comfort whenever Virgil was at a class and couldn’t cuddle. A few times after that week, Virgil would either hide away in his room or clamber into Logan’s lap while he was reading and they’d stay that way for hours. Patton, meanwhile, gave gentle hugs and kisses, regularly checked under his bandages, did mental checkups on him.

Logan will always feel bittersweet when he remembers what Patton did for him. While his boyfriend was dealing with depression beforehand, he can’t help but wonder if that night made things even worse for him, which is why Logan will always do what he can whenever Patton has his bad days.

He starts by noticing the subtle tell-tale signs as they make their way through the morning together. Patton’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, his laugh has too much of a forced exhalation in it, he doesn’t kiss with the same excitability that he always exhibits. The signs are less subtle, or perhaps Logan isn’t as quick to notice them as Patton is, because it’s usually around mid-morning when Logan gently confronts the issue.

"Are you okay, love?” He secures his arms around Patton’s waist and rests his chin on the top of his head when he catches him looking distracted, zoned out. Patton blinks back into reality with a questioning hum, then sighs and melts into the touch.

“I'm not feeling great.” He says softly. That’s a start, but as soon as he says it the smiles leave him completely; Logan can only guess that that’s him finally letting the raw depression show after admitting that it’s there.

Deciding to take a more therapy-based approach, Logan walks over to the couch with Patton and lets him sit in his lap. "Do you know what could be causing it?”

Patton takes one of Logan’s hands and holds it in both of his. "Just thinking about family stuff.” His voice comes out quiet, like he’s afraid to say it, as if someone’s going to burst through the door as soon as he says it and shout at him for it. Logan understands very quickly why Patton would say it that way, and runs his hands up and down his back comfortingly.

"And how they rejected you?” He pries gently.

"Yeah.” Patton sounds dejected, heartbreakingly so. "I can’t take my mind off it.”

Something that Logan wasn’t expecting to come out of therapy for him was that his therapist asks a lot of questions. He’ll ask Logan why he thinks he’s feeling down, and then as Logan starts to answer, he basically discovers the issue which was previously unbeknownst to him. A therapist doesn’t directly fix his problems, rather, a therapist helps him to fix his own problems. This is how he learns to ask Patton a lot of questions as well as giving him advice, because perhaps he’ll help Patton come to a conclusion one day and begin to feel better. So, he posits another question. “Why?”

It’s so simple, yet Patton takes several seconds to dwell on it. "I don’t know. Sometimes I can just never not think about it. There’s no choice.” The reference seems to go unrealised by Patton, which causes him to look confused when Logan brushes his hair out of his eyes with a fond smile.

" _Heard your voice, ‘there’s no choice’,_ ” Logan’s less confident with his singing abilities, but still sings the line to jog Patton’s memory of what he sang just a week ago. " _Tore the curtains down, windows open, now make a noise._ ”

The noise Patton makes is a small laugh that has Logan’s heart racing. He sees that smile return and it’s there in his eyes, even if it’s only short-lived. "You got me there, Lo.” And while Patton’s depression isn’t immediately dissipated, he’s beginning to return to his usual self. Logan can’t help the grin that overtakes his features as he kisses Patton softly on the lips. His hands move to cup his face while Patton circles his arms around his shoulders and the kiss deepens, with Logan tilting his head for a better angle. The two of them would stay like that forever if the need for oxygen wasn’t there to pull them apart.

"Sometimes a distraction can take your mind off of things you don’t want to confront just yet.” Logan gazes lovingly into those hazel eyes and mentally traces the constellations into the summer freckles on his nose. “Want to try some externalisation today?”

Patton leans in again to press a kiss to the tip of Logan’s nose.

“What did I do to deserve you, Logan?”


End file.
